The Gull Reef Club


National Security Threat

Filed under: — Jaime @ 10:32 pm

There was a fire alarm today in the place I go to for pay everyday. This happens every year when it gets just the slightest bit cold (and by that I mean in the 60s), but I reacted and vacated the building, nevertheless.

Being the conscientious patriot that I am, I have practiced getting down multiple floors via the stairs in record time. Seriously. I have. Well, ok, it’s more because of my great dislike for the elevators and want of a bit of exercise, but I have managed to clear seven flights in about a minute’s time. But not today.

Today’s fire alarm and mass evacuation of the building taught me a valuable lesson about homeland security – women in heels are a threat. A very serious and, until now, overlooked threat. My time was slowed to nearly four minutes because of numerous wenches’ poor shoe choice. This is completely unacceptable. If we are all supposed to do our part to help fight terrorism, we better all be ready to run like hell when necessary. I don’t want to be swallowed up in a fire or have a building crash down on me because you refused to wear sensible shoes.

Seriously women – what gives with the heels? First, you look stupid. You may think it makes you look sexy or taller or some other BS like that, but you’re lying to yourself. No amount of sole is going to make that fat office ass of yours look any thinner. Second, no one but you and your catty friends care. Everyone else has better things to do than look at your shoes. Get over yourself. Third, did I mention how stupid you look? Fourth, you are deforming your feet and messing with your posture. Enjoy that bunion surgery at 40 and the walker at 50. Hope those heels were worth a lifetime of foot and back pain. Fifth, and most importantly, you now present a national security threat to other office workers of the world. Which means if you wear high heels, you must be a terrorist or at the very least, you’re an America hater.

I’m going to start lobbying my Senators to enact a law. Obviously, this needs to be legislated…

3 Responses to “National Security Threat”

  1. brando says:

    Hahahaha. That’s awesome. Clearly they must be trying to get folks killed.

  2. Jaime says:

    Exactly. Won’t those women be surprised when the alarm’s real and I start knocking them down as I rush past!

  3. nemov says:

    I’m totally with you on this one, I have never understood why women do this to themselves.

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