Moribund congrats to DaffyGrl, Eeyore, and the dearly departed Wertz* for scoring a point in this year’s Death Pool - thanks, or sadly enough, due to the passing of Karl Malden.

Congrats to you all, you now tie me, your Angel of Death, for the lead.

* Please be advised that Wertz submitted his list before his dearly departing and, as far as your right, honorable Innkeeper knows, he had NO inside information on any of his picks

A perpetual curiosity for me - why do some women pluck out their eyebrows only to draw them in again with a ridiculously expensive eyebrow pencil? Really. I seriously don’t get this.

An aside to these plucking ladies: stop. Stop. STOP. No one cares but you. Get over your eyebrows. Your obsession is so beyond silly words cannot express.

No one and I mean absolutely not one living, breathing person on the earth but you has ever given more than a second’s thought to the naturally growing hair above your eyes. So why pluck, tweeze and restyle that which nobody else really even sees? Get over yourselves. This has to be one of the STUPIDEST trends since powdered wigs.

Is losing a friend anywhere akin to a punch to the face? It certainly feels like it. Though truly -I’ve no point of reference - having never actually been punched in the face…

Yet, sadly, a week and a day ago today, I learned of the tragic news that my dear friend Wertz passed away. I wanted to share this sooner, but I’ve had some trouble articulating this. The punch analogy is the best I can surmise. The loss of Wertz hurts so much, it’s dizzying. Sometimes you just can’t get up at the 3 or 4 count. Sometimes it takes almost to 10 before you can stand on your feet again, and even then with a semi-clear head, but a time comes that you must acknowledge the new reality. Thus it is with our loss of Wertz.

My Wertz, your Wertz, our Wertz. We all have so many reasons to celebrate his comforting mix of sarcasm and serendipity that he managed to share with and bestow on us. How was that even possible? How am I even lucky enough to have known such a person? A man who stumbled upon America’s Debate nearly seven years ago and subsequently made it his home, his volunteer workplace, and where all his friends knew his name. Wertz helped me mature in my political and philosophical growth. There are very few who could even near the credit he deserves in this. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t known Wertz, and suffice it to say, I live the happy life. Bits and pieces of that are solely because of my friendship with Wertz.

I am proud to say that I am part of the Wertz Generation. We will live on forever because of you, Wertz. I hope you’re enjoying the great debate beyond - and making them cite their sources.

It’s hard to believe it’s nearly 1/2 way through 2009 and only one entry is now eligible to be marked off in our 2009 Death Pool.

Who was this fabulous prognosticator you Beachcombers ask? Why, your insightful Innkeeper, of course. I pegged the oldest Titantic survivor as not seeing the end of 2009. It appears I was correct.

This has been an unusually slow year for the Death Pool. In previous years, we would have had a number of points scored by now. Not sure why 2009 is different. Maybe we’re just so overwhelmed with all this hope and change.

Regardless - you know what this means, right? I remain Your Angel Of Death. I’d bow…but Americans bow to no one…so…enjoy my creepy awesomeness and move on. Good night.

Clearly not an issue of pressing concern, more slight amusement, your right honorable InnKeeper has been blocked from FaceBook. Truly, Beachcombers, is there anything more satisfying than having the ‘big boys’ block you from playing on their turf? I’m quite pleased, really.

The reason for Facebook’s blockage of my account is because I would not reveal my ‘real life’ surname and, instead, simply went by the moniker of ‘Jaime LastName’ in their conglomerate of loserdome. I’ve assumed this name for at least two years. Not sure why FaceBook decided to notice, and subsequently block, me now.

Regardless, I won’t alter my account. FaceBook can cancel me. I’m not all that interested in ‘reconnecting’ with dorks I knew from high school (if I knew you in HS and I still talk to you, you’re in, if not, you’re likely in the dork category, so don’t bother me). Plus, I’m really not interested in ‘networking’ with, well, anyone in my current life.

Bored, boring, boringest. Such is the time wasted at FaceBook. Thank you FaceBook for blocking me. I don’t need any more time eaters in my life right now. The Gull Reef Club is very busy this time of year.

I wish the South liked Hockey more. Guess the climate isn’t exactly conducive.

I confess, I prefer the days when players weren’t required to wear helmets. Yes, I’m that old I almost remember those days, certainly “grandfathered” players anyway.

Still- Go Hawks!

Today marks 6 years since Mike and I assumed the Deed of ye olde Gull Reef Club (aka our house aka the America’s Debate Radio studio).

Come May, Mike and I will have been together 13 years. Thus, for almost half that time, we have lived here. Here, in this house. In no place else.

I’ve never loved a house the way I love this one. Sure, it’s old (89 years this year), sure it needs a hell of a lot of work, but sure - it’s ours. I’ve always had a bit of amazement we scored this place when we did. The odds usually aren’t in our favor. Yet, somehow, we managed to merge my childhood and adult dreams regarding homeownership and landed a huge place in Georgia, with lovely white pillars, within city limits. We never win anything; yet we won with this place. I’m certain I will have to sacrifice my first born for this.

Yet, it’s home. The real, true definition of home.

Home, home again…I like to be here when I can…

Beachcomers, have you noticed the death of all things funny? Your Innkeeper has.

Comedy’s been dying for awhile (at least the last 81 days or so). We just can’t laugh anymore. The only exceptions are a few Canadian sitcoms* and the occasional 30 Rock. What is wrong with us? Why can’t we laugh anymore? This sucks. Loosen up. Laugh. It’s healthy. I’m sick of sighing and harumphing.

*Corner Gas and Less Than Kind. The former going off the air this year, and the latter, in it’s first season. Let’s hope it sticks around. We seriously need to laugh, even if we must resort to imported funniness. Is this covered by NAFTA?

This year’s booksale did not result in as many books as I snagged for myself last year, but I’m pleased with the booty I looted from the library for a mere $2. The newest additions to the Gull Reef Library:

Dear Austin: Letters From the Underground Railroad, Elvira Woodruff. It appears to be a children’s book about some kids who venture to free a family member from the evils of slavery.

War, Peace, and All That Jazz, Joy Hakim. Another juvenile book. A school text covering U.S. History from the end of WWI to the end of WWII. It says it is #9, obviously in a series.

The Cricket in Times Square, George Selden. I’m not sure why I picked up three kids books this year. This one was because it was ‘the book’ that all my friends read and raved about when we were kids, and I just never got around to it. So 25 years later, here I am.

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Rebecca Wells. I only grabbed it because I recognized the name from some movie ads a few years back. However, from the reviews I’ve read, this may actually appeal to me. Of course, I don’t see this as one of the types of books Mike and I will ever discuss at any length.

The Shining, Stephen King. Yes, a modern classic I’ve never read. Seen the movie a million times and chills me just the same each viewing. The book’s got to be better. It was written in the hey-day of King, you know, before he got all weird with that Dark Tower trilogy and went down the drain.

On The Edge: A History of Poor Black Children and Their American Dreams, Carl Husemoller Nightingale. A non-fiction account of post WWII poor black kids in the Philly area. I’ve not read about it, but I anticipate it to be gut wrenching. I may need a whole new box of tissue for this one.

You Can’t Keep a Good Woman Down, Alice Walker. Hell yeah, a collection of Alice Walker stories about feminine power? Sorry gents, I must indulge. Hear me roar and yadayada.

Talking Back: …to Presidents, Dictators, and Assorted Scoundrels, Andrea Mitchell. Ok, you regulars, especially to America’s Debate Radio know I am a sucker for MSNBC as far as cable news goes. All cable news is teh suck and this station is the least suck. Yet - I tend to think Andrea Mitchell is one of the least qualified to be on the air. She may be able to snag killer interviews because of her marriage connections, and I’m hoping this book is written better than her sorry on-air abilities. In fact, I’m quite sure it will be. She seems incredibly smart, she’s just not made for tv.

Bias, Bernard Goldberg. Score! Not because I’m one who pretends to be oppressed by the ‘liberal media’ but because this was a huge best seller only a few years back. Ok, I just checked the copyright date, it’s been a bit more than a few years. Time sure does fly when you’re experiencing so much hope and change.

Mike scored a hell of a lot more books than me, some of which I will definitely sink my eyes into. Maybe I’ll get to his list, too (since I don’t see him having any interest in doing so). I do want to note that he grabbed up Boortz/Linder’s The Fair Tax book, which I will certainly read. I’ve been meaning to for years.

$2 for all that?!? I heart the Live Oak Public Library!

The National Weather Service just broke into a killer repeat of Law and Order Criminal Intent to tell folks in counties an hour south/southwest of here that they *might* experience a thunderstorm during the next hour.

What the heck was that? The NWS breaks into a good show to tell us on the Atlantic coast that we may experience NORMAL weather? Pathetic. Nice try to justify your existence. We need to end these alleged ‘warnings’ and quick like. Stop wasting taxpayer money.

Mike, and of all people, my very own Mom, have pulled off the best surprise on me that I’ve ever had pulled on me. Seriously, beachcombers, I’ve never had a moment like this in my whole life. I’m nearly giddy.

The background - Mom has been a snowbird for the last fews years. For those of you uninitiated with the term, a snowbird is a person who lives most of the time in the northern half of the US, but winters in the south, where the weather is nice. Mom’s place is near Tampa, Florida. Savannah is on the route from Illinois to Tampa. However, for the last year or maybe even two, Mom has not stopped in Savannah to visit me, and I began giving her a hard time about it.

2009 is different though. This year, from what I’ve gathered at least, Mike and my Mom set a plan in motion in which she was going to visit me, but surprise me upon arrival. Apparently, this has been in the works for at least 3 weeks. Well, Mike and Mom - you win. You succeeded. I’ve never been more surprised in my life.

Not at any time during the planning stage was I ever aware my Mom was going to visit. There were SO many people in on the ruse - my mom’s b-friend, my neighbor, Mike’s sister, and Mike’s dad, to name those I know. Mike was about ready to involve my boss and co-workers, but fortunately, that did not become necessary.

Early this afternoon, Mike convinced me to come out of the office, with my eyes closed, and by his guided hand, head downstairs (which is not an easy thing to do - the Gull Reef Club is 89 years old and has your usual old house-double-landing-twist-staircase.) He led me to the front door, and I had assumed he was going to show me some sort of unusual wildlife in our yard.

Nope. Not even close. I get to the front door, eyes still shut (I don’t cheat), and open them to see my Mom and her b-friend there. Needless to say, I was ELATED. This was THE best surprise ever. Thanks Mike and Mom!

Straight from the You-Have-To-Be-Freakin-Kidding-Me-Department…WTKS am (previously discussed here), has sunk even lower than I thought they could go.

In what appears to be a very not-at-all-thought-out part of their reprogramming line-up, WTKS has replaced the classic rebroadcasts of Art Bell’s Somewhere In Time on Coast To Coast AM with…get this…The Money Pit. A lame ass show about home improvement. Pause…absorb…yeah, that’s right. They are broadcasting a homefixit show at 11 pm - just about the time of day, er night, I’m ready to be thinking about making improvements to ye olde Gull Reef Club. WHA???

This has got to be one of the stupidest broadcasting decisions I’ve been subjected to in a long time. I know in the grand scheme of life, this is petty. Yet, as I’ve already explained, I KNOW am radio. I know what works, and I KNOW that I will NEVER EVER NEVER EVER listen to this suck ass home improvement show in lieu of Art Bell classics. I’ll find Art Bell online and skip the radio entirely. Again - pause…absorb…this hardcore am radio listener will skip the radio if necessary. We may like our ruts, but we’re also no dummies. If we need to seek our ruts online, we will.

Attention WTKS advertisers!!! I will not hear your expensive ads because I am now turning this station off more that I turn it on. Think about that the next time your perky sales rep stops by.

WTKS you now officially suck. You suck even worse than you did on Monday for bringing in Michael Savage.

I wasn’t kidding when I said this earlier - we ARE witnessing the death of am radio in Savannah. Good riddance. AM radio deserves to go by the wayside if stations are unwilling or unable to consider their audience. Long live internet radio, where the listeners are king!

If I happen to accidentally fall into one more blog or forum post about The Watchmen, I’m going to punch my monitor…or worse yet - hunt the poster out and punch their monitor. Keep it to yourself, ok? It’s a just movie. Get over yourself and your stupid comic book* already.

*Referred to only as ‘comic book’ to increase the pissedoffedness factor of the fanboys who have been fellating this film all week.

Savannah has limited options when it comes to am radio. As you may have guessed by the whole America’s Debate Radio show, I am sort of a talk radio junkie. This city’s selection leaves me wanting.

A few weeks ago, what I consider to be the lesser quality of the two stations, WBMQ quietly did away with its only, weekly local program hosted by a guy named Ray Steele. They brought in a nationally syndicated dude whose name is too long and lame for me to bother typing. They never explained this and they provided no warning. Not cool to do that to am radio listeners. We’re a fiercely rut-inclined bunch and don’t like changes, and we really don’t like unannounced changes.

Then today, the other am station, WTKS did the unthinkable. They booted Neal Boortz, a fun, Libertarian leaning, Georgia guy for one of radio’s most hate-filled broadcasters, Michael Savage. I am at complete loss as to why anyone would have thought this to be a reasonable, much less good, decision.

I wrote to the station’s operations manager:

Hello Mr. Richards-

I am disappointed with the recent line up changes at WTKS. It’s a shame that a Georgia broadcaster, Neal Boortz, was dropped for an acerbic, inflammatory man from San Francisco. I can assure you, I will no longer prepare my evening meals tuned to WTKS while Mike Savage is on. I strongly urge WTKS to reconsider this horrendous change and bring Boortz back.

Respectfully,

Jaime

I got a polite thank you, which didn’t seem like a bot, but it didn’t say anything promising or offer any explanations. Not a surprise, though.

These types of programming decisions have me wondering if we’re seeing the final days of am talk radio altogether in Savannah. I’d be sad if both stations went by the wayside, but sad in that Darwin Award sort of way.

There exists a distinct difference between the way northern and southern Americans give directions. I was recently reminded of this disparity upon visiting the Flannery O’Connor/Andalusia Foundation site. Were I to visit Andalusia in the remote Milledgeville, I apparently must take the following route:

From Savannah, take I-16 West and exit Highway 441 North at Dublin. Follow 441 North to Milledgeville. Take Highway 441 Bypass North until you intersect with Highway 441 again on the north side of town. Turn left on Highway 441 North. As you travel north past the Wal-Mart shopping center, look for Badcock Home Furniture on the right side of the highway as you leave Milledgeville. The driveway to Andalusia is located on the left side of Highway 441 just beyond the furniture store.

So let me see if I have this down - I get on 441, which intersects with 441, and then I turn back onto 441 and begin looking for a quasi-pornographic-sounding furniture store, after the obligatory Walmart sighting. Once I find said store, I continue on 441 to the lovely Andalusia. Got it.

And that’s what I like about the South…

I don’t care what you’re doing.
I don’t care what you’re eating.
I don’t care where you’re going.
I don’t care that you just met with leading banking industry leaders.
I don’t care that you’re battery is low.
I don’t care about what you paid for gas.
I don’t care what you’re wearing.
I don’t care what you’re buying.
I. Don’t. Care.

STFU you egotistical twittering morons.

I’m not the only one that does not care. No one cares, but it seems you might. It must sate that inner ‘lookitmemom!’ you were to have grown out of at age 5, as the rest of us did. So twitter on, twit. Maybe one day you’ll mature to be an actual, live adult. Neat-O! Huh!?111

You Beachcombers will recall my gripes about the changes to WGN from last September. I’m sad to report that WGN America has continued down its path of suckage. They’ve now gone and moved Corner Gas to only Tuesdays from 4-530am. They seem to be bringing on more Jeannie.

The worst part about this is that they clearly are being asked why they’ve made such an asinine programming decision. Screen shot from their site:

I wrote to them to ask about this entry on their site:

Subject: Corner Gas Question Question

On your FAQ, WGN America lists as the #3 question:

Q: Will “Corner Gas” move to a better timeslot?
A: No. Although we had previously announced that it would, it hasn’t performed up to expectations and as a business, we had to go in a different direction.

My question, based on this frequently asked question is, if Corner Gas has not “performed up to expectations”, why is WGN America receiving SO many questions about getting better programing for Corner Gas (enough that it warrants the #3 slot for FAQ)?

The email bounced, address failed. WGNAmerica, you still suck. More Corner Gas, jackasses.

Here are the lists of everyone participating in Death Pool 2009:

Amlord
Dame Elizabeth Taylor
Clint Eastwood
Dick Clark
Billy Graham
Jerry Lewis
Muhammed Ali
Hugh Hefner
Jimmy Carter
Queen Elizabeth II
Betty Ford

DaffyGrl
Sen. Robert Byrd
Sen. Ted Kennedy
Harry Morgan
Karl Malden
Olivia deHavilland
Elizabeth Taylor
Kirk Douglas
Patrick Swayze
Amy Winehouse
Art Linkletter

Eeyore
Ted Kennedy
Oral Roberts
IM Pei
Sargent Shriver
Robert McNamara
Walter Cronkite
Kim Jog Il
Fidel Castro
Karl Malden
John Wooden

Jaime
Henry Allingham
Severiano Ballesteros
Elizabeth Gladys “Millvina” Dean
Dino De Laurentiis
Steve Jobs
Mikhail Kalashnikov
Jerry Lewis
Oscar Niemeyer
Ariel Sharon
Dorothy Young

Julian
Kirk Douglas
The Duke of Edinburgh
Clint Eastwood
Nelson Mandela
Pervez Musharraf
Lord Richard Attenborough
Eli Wallach
Tony Curtis
Robert Mugabe
Angela Lansbury

Mike
Art Linkletter
Betty Ford
BB King
Billy Graham
Margaret Thatcher
Nancy Reagan
Robert Byrd
Ted Kennedy
Willie Nelson
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Mrs. Pigpen
Betty Ford
Dick Clark
Kirk Douglas
Queen Elizabeth II
Nancy Reagan
Pauline Phillips (Dear Abby)
Fidel Castro
Kim Jong Il (might actually be dead though…)
Michael Foot
Phyllis Diller

nighttimer
Muhammad Ali
Kirk Douglas
Ariel Sharon
Robert Mugabe
Elizabeth Taylor
Angela Lansbury
Lauren Bacall
Amy Winehouse
Osama bin Laden
Abraham Charles Vigodah (a.k.a. Abe Vigoda

Ted
Jimmy Carter
Phyllis Diller
Jennifer Jones
Robert Byrd
Kirk Douglas
Ernest Borgnine
William H. Avery
William Francis Walsh
Edward M. Kennedy
Olivia deHavilland

TinFoilLiberal
Kim Jong Il
Amy Whinehouse
Billy Graham
Andy Griffith
Robert Mugabe
Maya Angelou
Ted Stevens
Cicely Tyson
Jerry Stiller
Fidel Castro

Wertz
Ray Bradbury
Fidel Castro
Walter Cronkite
Jules Feiffer
Betty Ford
Claude Levi-Strauss
Robert McNamara (the former Secretary of Defense, not the figure skater)
Karl Malden
Helmut Schmidt
Margaret Thatcher

Your humble Innkeeper has a lot on her mind. Enjoy the meander or stop reading now. You’ve been sufficiently notified.

I. Stella Escapes.

The first few hours of the first day of 2009 sucked. Sucked in the worst way. Our little cat Stella Blue was missing. She didn’t show up for breakfast - a clear indicator she was not in the house, or was stuck somewhere. Worse yet, before bed - laaaaaate on New Year’s Eve, Mike asked if I had seen her. I had seen her for dinner (though not after) and assured Mike she was likely fine. Queue foreboding music.

During the evening festivities, Mike and I were preparing pork butts to be smoked. We were back and forth between the bbq and the house numerous times well after midnight. That must be when she made her escape. Clever little brat she is.

Stella’s predictable, however. Mike didn’t take too much time (after I rudely awoke him with the news) to figure out she was under our house. Southern coastal homes are on stilts. You knew that, right? When we first met our Stella Blue she was living in insulation under an abandoned home. She seems to find this a safe spot. When the hobo let her out, that’s where we found her too. It’s her go-to place.

We had a lot of difficulty getting her out. She was scared out of her mind. Mike, a painful crawl under the house, and a super-soaker solved everything. Stella’s back home. She will be getting a collar and a chip.

II. Too Much Cabbage.

As I mentioned in Part I here, Mike and I smoked some pork butts for New Years. It was much more than that, in fact. We had a whole North meets South New Years. All southern food, as we watched the NHL’s 2009 Winter Classic. Well, most of it - half of the time was spent trying to coax Stella out from under the house. In addition to the pork, we made Hopping John and coleslaw. The BBQ sauce we prepared to accompany the pork and the slaw were ‘North Carolina’ style - very vinegar based. All turned out impeccably. We ate it until yesterday.

For lunch today, I decided I could no longer handle my southern leftovers. Trying to go in a completely different direction, I ordered from a downtown Japanese place. Shrimp tempura sushi and harumaki. An impulse order, really. When I get that Japanese food ‘craving’ I usually get only one of these two items. It completely slipped my mind that most of the stuffing in harumaki is cabbage - just like the coleslaw I’ve been eating for nearly a week. I need a break. My colon may never forgive me.

III. Savannah Recycles?

Last thing. For now at least. Recycling pick-ups officially begin today. Savannah’s been a bit behind other cities in getting kick-started in the recycling. After some wrangling, we’re here. From what I’ve seen so far, this is going to fail; unless, of course, the course is changed.

The biggest problem with Savannah’s recycling program is that our recycling ‘bin’ is far from a bin. It’s a giagantic, alley-sized garbage can. This oversized bin in no way induces me to recycle. If it were smaller, and I could fit it in my house, I might consider recycling. As it stands right now, I’ll have to buy a separate can that I can dump in the large alley bin. Keep in mind, however, I can’t line it with a plastic garbage bag - those aren’t allowed for recycling.

This garbage bag issue brings me to my next complaint about Savannah’s recycling - the limitations. If I want to recycle any glass or plastic bottles, I am required to wash them first. If I want to recycle paper materials, I have to remove tape and staples. Note to recycling officials: I. DO. NOT. CLEAN. MY. GARBAGE. This is an insane request.

Finally, the city has hired a private contractor to program each and every citizen’s address into the bin we were issued. This is to allow the city to track who’s recycling, and if so, who’s doing it properly. This creeps me the hell out on numerous levels. I won’t count the ways.

I’ve resigned myself to thinking that, at most, I’ll recycle cardboard boxes. We usually have a lot of those and I have to break them down to get them in the garbage, so it’s little difference if I put them in the recycling bin. Don’t think I’ll be doing much else unless and until the program changes.

~~~

There you go. It’s 2009. This should be fun, Beachcombers.

After having nine straight days off, I was scheduled to return to work this morning. I got up with my alarm like I was supposed to and was proceeding along with the usual routine. At precisely 8:40 a.m. I was waking Mike up so he could drive me to work. Just as I was doing so, we both heard a loud rumble. I said to Mike (after having experienced the rumble of the sugar refinery explosion), “Oh, THAT’s not good.” Mike, still half-asleep, concurred. By 8:42, the eastside fire department was full sirens and lights, heading west toward downtown. I could hear other stations responding as well.

On the ride to work, someone called a local radio station and said people needed to avoid Bay and Bull Streets (the HEART of downtown Savannah, where City Hall is) and a few blocks from where I work. We actually made it all the way into the historic district, and some how missed the police cordoning off the area. As we pulled up to work, I noticed the building across the street from ours had no power, but my building did. I turned to grab my coffee and get out of the car - just as my building goes black. 45 seconds earlier and I would have been trapped in the building’s elevator with no power. Talk about my lucky day.

Without having many other options, Mike took me home. Radio news reports were coming in that there were underground power fires that had caused some manhole covers to blow along Bay Street. When we got home, we were able to confirm that this was, indeed, what had happened (WSAV News Report). This exact same thing happened in August as well. Seems Georgia Power’s got some ’splainin to do - as if I needed another reason to hate this hideous utility company. They have now allowed, not one but TWO, dangerous power situations to build up to the point of explosion. I hope some of our local FD beat GA Power reps with their hoses…’accidentally’ of course.

Since power’s out until at least this evening, I get one more day at home. I’m ok with this, but I really was itching to get back to work. Oh well, guess it’s more flash games and reading for me. Better than being stuck in a elevator all day.